Hiding and wondering

What is it about going out and being around people that makes me so uncomfortable? When I'd much rather stay home and do nothing, my partner draws his energy from being out and about. It's not working between us in that respect although I always thought a relationship should be about yin and yang. But clearly also about similarities. I don't know that it's a problem per se but it is very confusing to me why I am the way I am... not necessarily to do with anyone else and certainly not my partner. It's about me and really turning inward and trying to understand me. Is there something wrong with me... sort of mounting social anxiety? I could blame any domestic issues with my partner on my not wanting to go out with him socially but it isn't just him. It could be anyone that wanted to franternize with me outside the home. Is this the beginning stages of reclusiveness?

It's not unlike me to think the worst... that there IS something wrong. But then I laugh it off and think to myself, "Well that's just the way I am." Because I know there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way. I sometimes think in social settings, "When is this guy going to shut up?" Because I really could care less about it. Is that wrong to think?! Am I really so isolationist?
But then I could never live alone. Be alone. Entirely really. Because I know I would just go crazy. At the height of my depression years ago, I lived alone briefly. It was awful. Left to my own devices. I don't think anyone really knows what that time was like for me. And it's not something I discuss with new friends but... . It certainly has had bearing on how I feel about balancing a social life with being alone. "Get away from me... no, that's too far; come closer."

What's wrong with me and can my relationship survive it? Can I survive it? Can I learn from these experiences to better navigate a balance between people and myself?

Just today my partner is at a barbeque with new friends and I am not there. I'm not even sure why really. It's Memorial Day weekend and I have not a thing to do. I even offered to mow the yard in my boredom. But something about the crowd and the anticipation of what was to come just seemed so overwhelming as it always does. And to the dismay of my boyfriend, I stayed home. My frustration with my own inner turmoil is then compounded by my jealousy. I start to wonder what goes on without me and if everyone else is having a good time. What are they talking about? Is a younger, more social, more handsome man wooing my boyfriend? The paranoia is hard to shake. And sadly, I don't think he understands. And I can't blame him because neither do I.

This part of the journey... these last few years have been so hard.